


To Those It May Concern (But Mostly Phil),

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Medication, Overdose, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2020-07-12 00:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19936981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Dan Howell is tearing up his body in a desperate attempt to fill the void in his chest. However, it wasn't enough. Dan quickly found himself writing letters to his mum, dad, brother and, of course, Phil. Hopefully he won't mind too much.





	To Those It May Concern (But Mostly Phil),

**Author's Note:**

> TW: This story deals with suicidal, depression, self harm and the like. Please don't read if this is not your cup of tea.

Dan sat on the edge of the wharf, looking out towards the moon. Phil was at home, sleeping; he was blissfully unaware of what was soon to happen. Dan unzipped his small bag and took out one of the many pill tubs he'd packed. Popping open the container, he placed to pills in his mouth before swallowing them with the water he'd brought.

_ "Dan!" Phil had called from the lounge. "Can you come in here a minute?" _

_ Dan stood from his bed and waddled into the lounge. "What do you want?" he asked. _

_ "What do you want for dinner? I was thinking pizza," Phil questioned from his position on the couch. _

_ "Sounds good. I'll go order it now." Dan left to do just that before continuing to scroll through Tumblr. He stopped when a particular post caught his eye. Luckily, it wasn't from a very popular blog but the fact that even a few people had noticed was terrifying.  _ What if Phil saw this? _ His brain thought kindly. _

_ The gif before him, on the screen, was from their most recent gaming video. He was wearing long sleeves, as per usual. However as he and Phil swapped the mouse over for Phil's turn, his sleeve had risen up a little. This for most people wouldn't have mattered; most people didn't even notice. But this blog, and the (at least) two hundred people (based on the notes) who had seen this, did notice. The image following the gif was a zoomed-in picture of his wrist. If you looked closely, a white scar was visible. _

_ Dan scolded himself for being so careless. Not caring about Phil being in the house, he stood and locked his door before grabbing the switchblade out of his bedside drawer. He quickly added ten new cuts to his plethora of scars. The pain worked well as a punishment for Dan. He shouldn't have been so careless in the video. People noticed. It's only a matter of time before everyone noticed, including Phil. _

_ He continued to slash at his arms, enjoying the blood that was beginning to stain his jeans. He wouldn't be able to wear them again but he couldn't bring himself care. _

_ "Dan?" Phil called from outside the door. "Why's your door locked? Dinner's here," Phil explained, concern evident in his tone. _

_ “I’ll be out in a minute,” Dan replied shakily, cursing at how unsure his voice sounded. _

_ “Bear, are you okay in there?” Phil pressed. “Can you let me in please?” _

_ “I’m fine, Phil. Go get the show ready. I’ll be right out.” _

_ “Okay...” Phil said sceptically. Dan cleaned up his wounds, not bothering to wrap his arms in gauze. Once happy with his appearance, he quickly emerged in the lounge and slid into his usual seat next to Phil. “You alright, bear?” _

_ “Y-yeah. I’m fine.” _

Dan finished downing another two bottles of pills and grabbed at his stomach as the pain began. He grabbed out another bottle, ready to down those too.

_ “Bear,” Phil started worriedly. He sounded unsure and, for lack of a better word, scared. _

_ “Yes?” Dan replied, just as worried. _

_ “I, well, I wanted to borrow your laptop to check twitter ‘cause my laptop ran out of battery.” _

_ “You know you can use my laptop whenever you want.” _

_ “I know. It’s just, I found something. You, umm, you left Tumblr open when you last used it and, well, umm, this is what was up when I opened the laptop,” Phil explained slowly, sliding the laptop around for Dan to see. The gif and image were all too familiar. “What is this, Dan?” Phil asked worriedly. _

_ “Well, I didn’t want to tell you but I’m sexually attracted to porcupines,” Dan joked, laughing at himself. His laughter quickly died, however, when he realised he was laughing alone. “Seriously, it was just a paper cut,” he lied easily. When you're a long-time self-harmer, lying was something you were good at. You did it on a daily basis after all. ‘How are you?’ ‘Good.’, ‘What do you do in your free time?’ ‘Nothing in particular. Read, film, the usual.’ _

_ “If you're sure,” Phil replied, still not entirely believing his story. _

_ “I am. I’m gonna head to bed, night Phil.” _

_ “Night, Bear,” Dan didn’t go to bed. Well, he did; but he didn’t go to sleep. Instead, he sat up for two hours straight, the entire time slashing his arms, legs and stomach to pieces. Phil had noticed. He bought Dan’s reason though, but he might not be so lucky next time. _

_ “Stop!” Phil yelled through Dan’s thoughts. It was only now that he noticed Phil in the room and wrist encased in Phil’s hand, stopping the blade from moving. _

_ Dan needed punishment. He deserved it. Dan’s free arm (the one he’d been cutting up) moved to his neck so he could use his nails to scratch. He’d stopped biting them for this exact reason. Sometimes a blade was nowhere to be found and nails were the next best thing. _

_ Soon, Phil had both his wrists in his hands. He didn’t seem to care about the blood sticking to his fingers as Dan screamed out in pain at the contact against his newly formed wounds. Phil would have loved to let go but he couldn’t. Dan was only going to hurt himself more if he did. _

_ Dan kicked and screamed like a kid throwing a tantrum. He even managed to kick Phil in the crotch which, in most cases, would have caused him to drop whatever he was holding and apply pressure to lessen the pain. This time though, the pain was less than the pain caused by seeing Dan hurt himself. _

Dan downed the last of his pills and awaited the peaceful sleep that would soon take over him. Black splotches appeared in his vision as he passed in and out of consciousness. An elderly man walked passed him but only spared a glance. To onlookers, he just looked like a young, drunk man.

As Dan was about to lose all thought, he whispered, “I love you, Phil. I’m sorry.” No one heard it aside from him but it still made him feel better in his last few seconds of life.

~~~~

“Hello, is this Philip Lester?” the man on the phone asked.

“Uhh, yes?” he replied worriedly. He had woke up around four hours ago and Dan was missing. His phone was left at home with his wallet. There was no note on the fridge that was usually left when one of them left the house before the other woke up.

“I’m Officer Madison. I’m sorry to inform you but your housemate, Daniel Howell, was found dead this morning. If you could come to your closest station, I can explain more what we know and get your statement,” he explained. Phil’s eyes widened and his ears rang loud. He couldn’t hear the birds chirping, the heating system running, not even the kids next door could be heard (and they were  _ loud _ ).

Phil felt like his entire world collapsed around him. His entire world had collapsed around him. Dan was his love, his life. And now he was gone? Phil didn’t want to acknowledge that thought.

He grabbed his keys and flew down the stairs, booking it towards the police station three blocks away. Tears streamed his face as the officer from the phone explained what they knew. Phil’s mind had decided the call was a prank, but standing in a police station, and having an actual policeman tell him, everything was made real.

“Daniel,” the officer began.

“Dan,” Phil corrected out of habit, only sobbing harder when he realised it didn’t matter anymore.

“Dan,” he started again with a sympathetic smile, “was found by a lady on her morning walk. The death was determined to be an intentional overdose and the time of death is estimated around one to two this morning,” Phil unintentionally tuned out what he said. Once the man finished, he requested the death be kept private and that he would inform whom it concerned.

When he arrived back at their flat, Dan’s family were waiting in their car. They piled out of the car and into one big group hug. Without even making it inside, they broke down on the sidewalk, crying and mourning the death of their loved one.

Phil opened his letter from Dan two days after his death, and began to read.

_ To those it may concern (but mostly Phil), _

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> My tumblr: https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


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